A New York native, Joe graduated from an avant-garde theater school upstate, where he was obsessed with sketch comedy. There, he and his lunatic friends founded The Sketchies — which still lives on at Skidmore College today. Living in New York City, a screenwriter friend of his then taught him how to write for film. This awakened a new passion in Joe. Since then his scripts have garnered over 200 festival selections, nominations, and wins all over the globe (including the BlueCat Best Feature award). Several of his screenplays have been made into feature films — some of them not that bad! Overall, he loves to create unique, hilarious, touching, and bizarre stories.
The steamy thriller had its hot and heavy heyday through the 80s and early 90s, with sultry hits like Body Heat, Fatal Attraction, and Basic Instinct. A few modern takes on this sub-genre succeeded in more recent years as well, like Fifty Shades of Grey, Love, and The Handmaiden. However, as with any trend pervasive in the film world, countless imitators of these sensually stimulating, smoldering flicks have emerged, with limited success (for instance, the 50 Shades sequels…).
Here are the absolute worst steamy romance-thrillers ever made, all proudly produced with little to no redeeming qualities. Some of these films focus on what the filmmakers hoped would be a thrilling plot line imbued with arousing scenes of unbridled bliss — while others opted to forgo any attempt at a compelling story and simply showcased extended sequences of gratuitous carnal desires. No matter how they tried to captivate viewers, all these movies failed in flagrant fashion, delivering far more hot air than steam.
6
‘The Boy Next Door’ (2015)
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Image via Blumhouse Proudctions</figure>
While there are more “older woman has affair with younger guy that turns dangerous” movies in the Lifetime thriller catalog than there are fetching fish in the sea, at least those guilty pleasure Lifetime flicks aren’t trying to pass themselves off as real, intellectually stimulating films. The Jennifer Lopez vehicle, director Rob Cohen‘s The Boy Next Door, is a laughably corny attempt at erotically-charged thrills that falls flat in pretty much every way conceivable.
Claire Peterson (Lopez) is a high school lit teacher, and a caring mom to her son, Kevin (Ian Nelson). She’s recently divorced from her cheating husband, Garrett Peterson (John Corbett), and, of course, is in a vulnerable state. When Noah Sandborn (Ryan Guzman), a muscular bad boy who boasts the tender age of 19, moves in next door (get it?), the viewer knows that sparks are about to fly. Yes, Claire jettisons her good judgment and gives in to her primal desire for a good romp. She and Noah share a night of passionate May-December romance. Claire comes to her senses and tries to end things there, but Noah ain’t havin’ it. He turns from charming neighbor to deranged stalker almost overnight. The spurned Noah wants to wreck Claire’s life now, and the movie culminates in a ridiculous sequence involving a barn inferno and the classic trope of Chekov’s EpiPen. With a 12% RT score, this movie is borderline dumb, straining credulity at every turn.
5
‘Body of Evidence’ (1993)
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Image via Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer</figure>
Madonna is a tremendous entertainer, that is not in question. Now, her acting ability? Well, in all fairness, she’s had some moments — comedy seems more up her alley than drama, as evidenced by a decent lead performance in Desperately Seeking Susan. However, her bold attempt at a steamy thriller, is a massive fail. Yet, it absolutely must be noted, the blame doesn’t solely rest on Madge’s shoulders. The direction by Uli Edel is borderline at best, the editing feels rushed, and the worst offender may just be the screenwriter, Brad Mirman. This script feels like it was made with A.I. before A.I. was even a thing (using the keywords: cocaine, Madonna, sex, and “fall out window”).
The story initially does hold water. Rebecca Carlson (Madonna) is an alluring woman who becomes involved with a crusty older dude, Andrew Marsh (Michael Forest). As one may ingeniously predict, her heart isn’t exactly pure, and she’s apparently out for his crusty old loot. Rebecca uses her body as a weapon, and basically sexes the feeble-hearted Andrew to death (the ticker can only take so much BDSM fun). Rebecca doesn’t get off Scott-free, and so she desperately needs the help of her lawyer, Frank Dulaney (Willem Dafoe), to help exonerate her. So, voilà, she sleeps with him. But, just when the viewer thinks they have Rebecca’s motivations all figured out, a wild twist is introduced. The problem is, this twist is dumb as dirt, and the film’s finale is immensely unsatisfying — resulting in an 8% RT score.
4
‘Wild Orchid’ (1989)
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Image via Triumph Releasing Corporation</figure>
Director Zalman King was really hoping he could cash in on the buzz of his beloved steamy thriller 9½ Weeks, by casting the then hottie Mickey Rourke again and sticking him into another lust-filled story. Alas, he failed — only now, internationally. Wild Orchid is set in Rio, Brazil, a city with the reputation of being quite a hot place, in all definitions of the word. Unfortunately, this histrionic take on the mismatched love story is a cinematic abomination with a 10% critic score on RT.
Soft-spoken real estate lawyer, Emily Reed (supermodel Carré Otis), has to take a trip to Rio to close a big hotel acquisition deal for her client, along with her co-worker, Claudia Dennis (Jacqueline Bisset). While chilling in the “Cidade Maravilhosa,” Emily encounters a wealthy American, James Wheeler (Rourke). Naturally, James knows all the hot, sexy spots in town, and ushers Emily on a verboten, erotic journey of self-discovery. The self-assured sexual puppet master that is James is eventually revealed to have once been a destitute orphan with a stutter — who grew up to be the callous, handsome money-maker he is today. Through their shared experiences in carnal Carnival intimacy, James finally sheds his hard exterior, and he and Emily find true love. Ok, sure. Unlike 9½ Weeks, Wild Orchid doesn’t have much of a story going for it, and has been mostly viewed as an onion paper-thin excuse for mostly unnecessary, silly soft-core action.
3
‘Basic Instinct 2’ (2006)
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Image via Sony Pictures</figure>
Some steamy thrillers are so widely adored that they inspire a sequel. Such is the case with the dismal cinematic detritus that is Basic Instinct 2. Director Michael Caton-Jones and fellow filmmakers surely believed that Sharon Stone‘s Catherine Tramell character would be captivating enough to draw audiences in droves. They. Were. Wrong.
The tale sees Catherine relocate to London to start fresh. Right off the bat, she gets into a drug-fueled car wreck that takes the life of a famous footballer, Kevin Franks (Stan Collymore). The court system in England seems just as favorable to Catherine as that of its U.S. counterpart, and Catherine just has to receive treatment for her “danger addict” lifestyle from a forensic psychiatrist, Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey). As Catherine slinks her way into his bed, and blows up his personal and professional life in the process, a bunch of adjacent bodies begin to pile up. Without spoiling the “twist” ending too much, it seems that Catherine has once again used her wiles to compel men to do very bad things for her… With a 6% score on RT (hey, at least it’s not zero), this soggy sequel is a mostly flat, wannabe provocative work of forced drudgery.
Four criminal masterminds. One of them was always going to be yours.
Here is who comes for you, why they picked you out of everyone available, and what they want from
the encounter.
Your nemesis does not want to beat you. He wants to know you
completely, and he is patient enough to wait for it. The frightening part is how good the
conversation is.
- Lecter is the most dangerous kind of opponent: the one who finds you interesting. He
never raises his voice, because he has never needed to. - You keep a great deal to yourself and you are careful about what you show. That reserve
is exactly the door he would knock on. - The films understood something other thrillers missed. The horror is not the violence.
It is being perfectly understood by the wrong person. - He would be unfailingly polite about all of it. That is the worst part.
Your nemesis is not after money, territory or revenge. He is
after a demonstration, and you are the person he has chosen to prove his point on.
- The Joker only picks opponents who believe in something. Your decency is not a defence
against him. It is the entire reason he showed up. - He has no plan you can predict and nothing you can take away, which removes every tool
you would normally reach for. - His whole argument is that you are one bad day away from being him, and you would spend
the rest of your life proving him wrong. - He would call it a magic trick. You would call it the worst night of your life.
Your nemesis respects you, which sounds flattering until you work
out what it means. He chose you because nobody else was worth his time.
- Moriarty is the original criminal mastermind, the template every later one borrows from:
a mind the equal of the hero’s, pointed the wrong way. - You enjoy being the cleverest person in the room. He is counting on exactly that, and he
has already built the room. - This is the rare nemesis who would be genuinely disappointed if you lost badly. He needs
the game to be worth playing. - It ends the way these things always end. Two people, one problem, and only one way down.
Your nemesis has no personal interest in you whatsoever, and that
is precisely what makes him unsurvivable. You are not a rival. You are a stop on the way.
- Chigurh does not negotiate, gloat or explain. He arrives, he asks one question, and the
answer was decided long before you opened your mouth. - You trust yourself to handle things. He is the one problem in the world that has no
interest in how capable you are. - No Country for Old Men rewrote the screen villain by removing the thing audiences
quietly rely on: the sense that talking might work. - Call it. He will wait.
2
‘Color of Night’ (1994)
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Image via Buena Vista Pictures Distribution</figure>
This colorful movie almost doesn’t make this list as it is precipitously close to being a “so bad it’s good” flick…yet, alas, here it is. There are so many confounding things about this movie, really from start to finish (for instance, a car that’s blindly sent flying off a building’s roof to try to squish the protagonist), but none may be as convoluted and flat-out baffling as the film’s grand finale of nonsensical, endless twists. Indeed, director Richard Rush‘s Color of Night is one long sex scene punctuated with one ludicrous plot point after the next.
The gloriously bizarre plot follows a troubled psychiatrist, Dr. Bill Capa (Bruce Willis, with a rare miss), who, after witnessing one of his patients take their own life, suddenly goes color-blind. He catches a flight across the country to L.A., to hang with his fellow headshrinker bud, Dr. Bob Moore (Scott Bakula). However, Bobby is soon murdered, and the prime suspect is one of his group therapy patients. There is a host of hilariously diverse personalities here, and Dr. Bill opts to take over the group sessions while he’s there. Most notably, there is a troubled boy named “Richie” in the group. Now, a nubile young woman, Rose (Jane March), shows up at Bob’s house and soon “befriends” Bill. Also, she has a romantic relationship with another member of the group, Sondra (Lesley Ann Warren). In any event, Bill has wildly graphic pool intercourse with Rose, and then shower sex, and so on. Finally, (spoiler here, but really, who cares) the film concludes with the big reveal that Rose is also Richie, as she has multiple personality disorder…and is also being controlled by her maniacally manipulative brother, Dale Dexter (Andrew Lowery), forced to be complicit in committing murders…for some reason. It’s all so confusing and melodramatically laid out, that it begs credibility and strains logic at every turn. Naturally, Rose goes to the roof to fling herself off, but after a struggle, Bill saves her. And gets his color sight back. Sure, why not.
1
‘365 Days’ (2020)
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Image via Netflix</figure>
Oof. As the title implies, this Blanka Lipińska-penned novel turned Netflix movie covers a year of tortuous action. The issue is that it’s more painful for the audience to endure than the main character. Predicated on the ancient idea that “kidnapping can be sexy,” co-writer/directors Barbara Bialowas and Tomasz Mandes‘s exploration of forced “love” is what the kiddos today would call the epitome of cringe.
The story follows a wealthy, striking mafia man, Massimo Torricelli (Michele Morrone), who becomes enraptured with a gorgeous, astute and savvy businesswoman, Laura Biel (Anna-Maria Sieklucka). Instead of talking to her, Massimo takes the only logical course of action: kidnap her and compel her to fall madly in love with him. He has a year to convince her that they are soul mates, and if he fails, he’ll let her go (wow, what a gentleman). Laura initially rebuffs his advances, but through a series of manipulative moves enacted by Massimo, Laura eventually succumbs to Stockholm Syndrome and has passionate sex with the Italian stallion. Critics didn’t love the premise or execution, and 365 Days received a 0% Tomatometer score on RT. Audiences were a bit more forgiving, with the film garnering a 36% Popcornmeter rank. The directors at least knew how to exploit the beautiful backdrops of Warsaw and Sicily, along with their leads’ physiques, but make no mistake, this is an offensively bad movie, in every sense. Widely panned for its overtly anti-feminist themes and machismo-centric motifs, this clunker seemed to undo decades of progress. Yet, somehow, Netflix granted it not one, but two sequels, completing a trilogy in true terribleness.
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