My friends want to eat out every day, but I can’t afford it. Do I have to choose between going broke and losing my friends?

Dear For Love & Money, Our friends prefer eating out — and I mean every single meal.

It’s so expensive, but they say it’s the same cost to eat at home, so they don’t want to change their ways.

My husband and I only want to eat out a couple of times a week because we can eat so much cheaper at home.

Typically, we make it work, but it’s hard because we’re usually the ones caving and going out to spend time with our friends.

Having a relationship with them is beginning to feel like a choice between going broke, and saving money and losing the friendship.

Sincerely, Friend to Foodies For Love & Money answers your relationship and money questions.

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Dear Friend to Foodies, I have always found the intersection between food and finances fascinating.

For example, millennials have infamously been told that lattes and avocado toast are the only things standing between us and homeownership, while other personal finance experts say that there are bigger money problems at play.

I suspect this emphasis on food in personal finance is due to the way that both nourishing ourselves and handling our finances have come to reflect our value systems.

The same can be said for our friendships.

We use the word “value” to refer to the things we prioritize because it suggests how much of our most precious commodities — money, energy, and time — we’re willing to put toward something.

We value our friends, family, and community ties, so we put money into going out to a nice meal or grabbing drinks.

I hear echoes of this mindset in your situation with your friends.

The good news is, you can reject the price tag without rejecting your friendships; you’ll simply need to switch your currency from money in the form of dining out to time and energy instead.

Here are my three suggestions for saving your money and your friendships: I want to encourage you to remember that while your friends’ restaurant-prone tendencies are affecting you and your wallet, they aren’t doing this to you; they simply like what they like, which is someone else preparing their meals.

However, you did mention that you and your husband are always the ones caving and doing things their way.

If this feels unfair, that’s because it is; friendships should be mutually enriching and enjoyable.

That said, your friends can only meet you halfway if they know your current location.

Tell your friends you don’t always want to eat out.

You don’t necessarily have to share your financial struggles with them, but it could help them understand where you’re coming from and be mindful of your financial limitations in other areas as well.

Remember that these people are your friends, who want the best for you.

As long as you’re showing your friends in other ways that you value having them in your life, my guess is they won’t care if time together looks like spending time hiking, having them over to fold laundry and chat, running errands together, or other ways of breaking bread with one another, on the cheap.

I grew up with parents who had friends over for dinner constantly.

My mom was a pastor’s kid-turned-officer’s wife, and I grew up in an environment where large, home-cooked meals with friends around the dining table were weekly — and sometimes twice-weekly — occurrences.

I moved into adulthood believing that hosting friends for dinner was part of being a grown-up.

It turned out, though, that many of my friends were baffled and intimidated by the idea of dinner parties.

While they always accepted my dinner invitations with enthusiasm, the invitations my husband and I received in return always involved restaurants and bars.

Don’t get me wrong; I love little more than a lazy afternoon spent listening to live music at an outdoor brewery, but to your point, it gets expensive.

I addressed this by leading the way.

I kept inviting my friends over for dinner, and we demonstrated how easy it could be.

My guests were always in charge of beverages, and my husband and I had a handful of low-effort, crowd-pleasing, budget-friendly meals we made on rotation.

Between the good food, laid-back environment, and excellent company, our friend group has come to the consensus that dinner parties are often even more fun than dinner in a noisy restaurant.

They’re no longer intimidated by the idea of reciprocating and opening up their own homes, and restaurants and bars are now the exception.

So, try inviting your friends over for dinner.

If you’re in a small living space, ask them over a few at a time.

Turn dinner at home into a culinary adventure.

Invite them to come over early to help you cook.

Hosting can creep up in cost, as well, so be diligent about keeping things affordable.

Ask your friends to bring sides, drinks, or dessert, but mostly, keep your value — friendship — and the currency you’ve chosen to invest in it — energy and time — at the center.

Your value isn’t showing off your skills as a gourmet chef or showcasing your home on Pinterest.

Don’t aim to be the host with the most.

Instead, be the friend with the open door and a large table where everyone can gather.

Before long, you’ll likely find that you’ve transformed the dynamic of your group.

You mentioned that your friends want to eat out for every meal, while you and your husband only want to do so a couple of times a week.

Two dinners out a week is a pretty significant amount you can offer your friends, and honestly, should be regular enough to preserve your relationships — not to mention all of the other hangout ideas mentioned previously.

For the rest of the week, you and your husband can eat at home, allowing you to budget your time and money for those two dinners a week out with your friends.

Your food choices don’t need to come between you and your loved ones.

No matter how weird we can all get when it comes to money and meals.

A good friend will see you, hear you, and, when appropriate, follow your lead.

So, lead your friends back to the kitchen and share a fabulous meal.

Rooting for you, For Love & Money An earlier version of this article was originally published in September 2022.

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