Before I moved abroad, I built an affordable, detailed care plan for my 78-year-old mom in the US

• Before I relocated abroad, I set up a care plan for my aging mother, who’d be staying in California.
• We spent years securing affordable housing that met her needs, and we planned my visits and calls.
• I also made her a wallet-sized emergency card with her medications and other crucial info.

However, I worried about leaving behind my aging mom, who was in her late 70s. As the child who lived close by, I considered it my responsibility to take care of her.

It took us years to secure affordable housing that fit my mother’s needs

I initially looked at private-pay, independent-living senior apartments, but the monthly costs were well beyond her budget. Depending on the unit size and services provided, these options often started at several thousand dollars a month.

Frustrated, I began looking into income-based senior housing. I researched nonprofit housing providers in the city, scanned affordable housing listings, and helped my mom apply for buildings she was eligible for.

These properties often come with age and income limits and charge rent on an income-based sliding scale. Some offer a first-come, first-served waitlist; others operate on a lottery system.

San Francisco’s affordable senior housing waitlists are notoriously long. That is why it was so important for us to apply early and submit applications to every eligible building we found.

In 2021, five years after I started the research, my mom moved into an income-based senior-housing apartment building with a staffed front desk, security cameras, and around-the-clock on-call support. Her rent is set at 30% of her monthly income.

The piece that had worried me most was finally in place.

Around this time, I also began planning and budgeting for care-related costs on my end. This includes round-trip flights home twice a year, a cushion for unexpected expenses, and small purchases that make her daily life easier or safer.

For example, I bought her high-traction rain boots online and had them shipped to her apartment after she told me she’d nearly slipped during a storm.

We also outlined plans to stay meaningfully connected while I’m away

I committed to frequent messages, a weekly call, and twice-yearly visits. This way, she always knows when she’ll see or hear from me, and she can contact me any time she needs to.

During our calls, I often ask her about her family history, childhood memories, and the decisions that shaped her life. We take turns sharing recipes and talking about what we are cooking.

These calls have been a good way to preserve her memory and keep us connected. They also help me notice anything concerning she hasn’t thought to bring up.

For example, she once mentioned that a stranger had messaged her asking for money. We went over some common phishing schemes and set up simple scam-prevention rules: “Don’t click, don’t share, and call me first.”

When we’re on the phone, I’ll also remind her of upcoming medical appointments and go over questions for her doctors. Sometimes, I join her appointments by phone when she wants help asking follow-up questions.

Before I left, we prioritized building a strong local caregiving system, too

Because I’d be thousands of miles away in Mexico, I helped her build a list of local contacts she could turn to for help, too. The list includes friends, building staff, and family members who are nearby when I’m not.

Plus, I helped her join a senior activity center in hopes that she’d have even more reasons to go out, move her body, hang out with people she already knows, and make new friends.

I also created a wallet-sized emergency card listing her medications, conditions, allergies, doctors, and emergency contacts. This way, all the important information is in one place, and she can carry it with her at all times.

So far, this arrangement has been working for us

It’s been over three years since my mom and I put these systems in place, and I relocated to Mexico. Even though it took significant time and effort to set up this long-distance caregiving plan, we have proven we can make it work.

As a result, I feel like our bond has strengthened despite the physical distance. Through honest conversations, careful planning, and her trust in me, we’ve found a way to stay close while building separate lives in different countries.

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